I ended 2019 getting off of anxiety and depression medication and by moving house alone. I welcomed 2020 while I was at home with my family, but before I left for Nagaland, I had cried so much. I was so upset thinking that all the self progress I've made over the past two years (that I had not been home) would go to waste; that things would be the same at home and that people, society and situations would make me feel small, like I had always felt before.
I was wrong. I had a good holiday. Things had changed. My progress and change in perspectives stayed intact and it was much easier to deal with family and community related frustrations.
Yesterday, I landed in Delhi, and it was the most alone and scared I have ever felt in a long time. I am yet to figure out why I felt or feel this way, but I know I will, in time.
"What if who I hoped to be was always me?
And the love that I fought to feel was always free."
This song lyrics correctly describes the realisation that I've come to over the past few days. Maybe I've been reaching far too high for things that I do not even need and trying too hard for people that are not meant to be. I've been distancing myself from family and losing myself over people and love that come with conditions. I've been putting my sense of self worth over my level of achievements or my state of productivity. From now on I will try my best to not do that to myself, to value myself and not treat selfcare as 'rewards'.
I'll love myself and my family no matter the conditions or the situations. I'll work hard and aim high but not beat my whole existence up over not doing better or as well as someone else. I'll try to remember that things will work out as they always do and that happiness can be self made and not just be given to me by people or by means of approval and achievement.
I'm putting this out here, I'm still figuring things out...
I was wrong. I had a good holiday. Things had changed. My progress and change in perspectives stayed intact and it was much easier to deal with family and community related frustrations.
Yesterday, I landed in Delhi, and it was the most alone and scared I have ever felt in a long time. I am yet to figure out why I felt or feel this way, but I know I will, in time.
"What if who I hoped to be was always me?
And the love that I fought to feel was always free."
This song lyrics correctly describes the realisation that I've come to over the past few days. Maybe I've been reaching far too high for things that I do not even need and trying too hard for people that are not meant to be. I've been distancing myself from family and losing myself over people and love that come with conditions. I've been putting my sense of self worth over my level of achievements or my state of productivity. From now on I will try my best to not do that to myself, to value myself and not treat selfcare as 'rewards'.
I'll love myself and my family no matter the conditions or the situations. I'll work hard and aim high but not beat my whole existence up over not doing better or as well as someone else. I'll try to remember that things will work out as they always do and that happiness can be self made and not just be given to me by people or by means of approval and achievement.
I'm putting this out here, I'm still figuring things out...
