I have been chasing deadlines the past few days and my hairfall has increased ten-fold — this is an exaggeration. I've been anxious and stressed; holed up in my room, reading, trying to write and occasionally laughing at cat and dog memes.
Tonight, I took a break. It led to an unexpected journey of soul-searching. To put it simply, I have been beating myself up with questions. Fun.
How have I been growing as a person?
Do I even bring light and positivity to anything or anybody?
Am I that horrible toxic person to somebody?
Do I make people feel negatively about things, or even worse, themselves?
How do I come across as a person or a friend?
How?
I want to be kind.
I want to be positive.
I want to make people feel,
I want people I have the privilege to interact with, feel good; about life, about the world, about existence . . . about cats and doggos, and cute animals!
I have absolutely zero clue if I am doing any of these things, that I so desperately wish I could and would.
I am trying, I will keep reminding myself to keep trying.
I know that these are very unrealistic goals.
I am human; I have a gazillion glitches.
But I am human; I am not static.
We are all human and we are not static.
We are unsteady and but changeable; these are things I am certain of.
After all of this self-beating, I am crying because I realize that I miss having a cat by my side. Having a cute furry-purry being by your side is instant therapy and a truckload of happiness. If I had my cat with me tonight, maybe I would not be here crying because I have convinced myself, after an hour of thinking, that I have been doing poorly at being a good human being. Maybe my cat ran away because I have been a horrible human?! — sobbing like the insane cat person I am —
If I had Tisa or Momo with me, I would have happily ignored these heart-crunching half-arsed soul-searching results and gone to bed. Maybe the universe is telling me that I need to sort this shit out before a cat can own me.
Hmm.
Cool.
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