It took me years to find Love within myself; from growing up depending on my big brothers for friendship I never found with my peers, to latching onto relationships that — I thought at that time — fulfilled me.
•
“You look just like your Dad. If only you look like your mom you’d be prettier.”
“You look just like your aunty. Gain some more weight.”
“You have the gummy smile that your Dad has.”
“You haven’t grown any taller still?”
•
What are seemingly just normal remarks in everyday conversations affected me to the point that in my late teens, I hated everything about myself.
I did not like my face, so I grew my hair and hid behind it. I did not like my gummy ugly smile so I laughed a little less, tried to smile pretty. I felt little and short, so I walked painfully in heels.
Looking back, I cry and hurt at how unkind I was to myself. I was filled with bitterness over things I have no control over.
I punished myself for just being who I am. These days, I do it a lot less. I’m a lot kinder to myself. I cut my hair and love how it looks, I wear flats and shoes I love, and I smile the biggest smile when a picture is taken.
•
Sometimes I tell a friend, “It hurts”
“What hurts?”
“Life and loneliness and everything in between”
•
This dialogue happens only on bad nights, when I find myself longing for something or someone that will make me happy. I know this happiness is temporary, and this want for it, extremely unhealthy.
On better nights, I am happy with myself, and all that I am: body and mind, joy and grief, anger and compassion, mistakes and forgiveness. I am so proud of how far the little girl at first grade, who got lost in town because her friend left her behind, has travelled to find her way back home.
•
“You look just like your Dad. If only you look like your mom you’d be prettier.”
“You look just like your aunty. Gain some more weight.”
“You have the gummy smile that your Dad has.”
“You haven’t grown any taller still?”
•
What are seemingly just normal remarks in everyday conversations affected me to the point that in my late teens, I hated everything about myself.
I did not like my face, so I grew my hair and hid behind it. I did not like my gummy ugly smile so I laughed a little less, tried to smile pretty. I felt little and short, so I walked painfully in heels.
Looking back, I cry and hurt at how unkind I was to myself. I was filled with bitterness over things I have no control over.
I punished myself for just being who I am. These days, I do it a lot less. I’m a lot kinder to myself. I cut my hair and love how it looks, I wear flats and shoes I love, and I smile the biggest smile when a picture is taken.
•
Sometimes I tell a friend, “It hurts”
“What hurts?”
“Life and loneliness and everything in between”
•
This dialogue happens only on bad nights, when I find myself longing for something or someone that will make me happy. I know this happiness is temporary, and this want for it, extremely unhealthy.
On better nights, I am happy with myself, and all that I am: body and mind, joy and grief, anger and compassion, mistakes and forgiveness. I am so proud of how far the little girl at first grade, who got lost in town because her friend left her behind, has travelled to find her way back home.
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